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It happened so suddenly. One minute, I was laughing with my friends and the next minute I was weeping and wailing on the floor. I received the phone call about K’s death and my life changed forever. I had never experienced grief before. I felt my body give way. There was this huge wave of pain, sadness, disbelief, denial, shock and horror all mixed into one. It punched me in the face and left me speechless. I was on the floor in the parking lot wailing and weeping.
K and I were very close friends. He was a very important part of my support system. He encouraged me when I was going through a hard time in school and with my family. He was so full of life and positivity. You know that friend you have that you turn to when nothing makes sense, and they make sense for you? Well, that was K to me.
We talked about everything: football, cars, our love lives. To have that missing in my life now is really difficult. The hardest part about losing him is that he was so young. He had his whole life ahead of him. We had made plans to travel and he was going to help me with my career. He always listened to me, even when I was not making sense. He believed in my dreams. He was such a useful resource person for so many things. Not having him around, not having someone to text and call and just be funny with is really difficult. I have found myself texting him on Whatsapp or talking to him when I feel really troubled and when I need his insight on something.
Unfortunately, I was unable to attend his funeral. I travelled abroad that week for work and there was no way that I could have cancelled the trip. Initially, I was happy that I was out of the country because I do not think I would have been able to handle burying him. At least I was far away in another country working and getting things done. There was something to distract me from thinking about him dying and him being buried. I do not think I would have handled all that. However, a few months in, I regretted not being there to actually see his body being put in the ground. I felt very guilty and I had some resentment towards myself for allowing this thing to happen without me being there to witness it. It even made me question if I was really his friend. Would he understand why I did not go? Would he forgive me? I feel that after how much he contributed to my life, I should have sacrificed this very important thing for a very important friend. But he died unexpectedly! And I don’t like surprises.
In addition to grieving my friend, I began to fight feelings of guilt and shame. Why was I selfish? Would he have understood me not attending his farewell? Did it even matter? He was dead anyway. Sometimes I tell myself that I should just get over his death and stop feeling so bad about something that I had no control over. Other times I come across something he would like or a joke that only he would understand; other times I need to text him and ask him for something and then I feel like I am right back at the beginning. I feel helpless and distraught sometimes when I realise that I cannot access him anymore. I just wish I could have one more conversation with him. Just one more phone call, one more joke, one more.
Sometimes I think God is unfair for taking him. I feel like this is all a game and in the end, you lose because you die. You leave without anyone asking you if you are ready to leave or if you are done living. Or even, if you want to say goodbye to the people who loved you. You leave without asking them if they are ready for you to go. What if they had something to tell you? What if there were things that they had planned to do and now they will never be able to do because you have died?
His one year anniversary is coming up next month and I am dreading it with everything within me. I would like to go and visit his grave and say a proper goodbye but I think I will cry a lot. More than I have this whole year, but I think it will be an important step in my path to healing.
Photo Credit: Pinterest.
The views expressed in this post are soley those of the anonymous author and do not represent those of Insight.
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