How to develop a Secure attachment

As we conclude our attachment series we delve into development of a secure attachment.

Have you identified which attachment style you display? You can find out here

If it’s one of the insecure attachments, what steps are you taking towards creating a healthy one?

What is a secure attachment?

A secure attachment style is where a child feels safe and protected. They are comfortable and know that their needs will be met. Children having this type are usually healthy in the way of expressing their emotions. Their self regulation mechanism is well developed.

Individuals with secure attachments manage their expectations well. In the face of disappointment they are able to handle it in a levelheaded way. They also do not run away from conflict but find the best way to resolve it. They have high self esteem and a positive perception of others.

In relationships, people with secure attachments communicate their needs openly. They experience no fear of rejection and take it well if they are turned down by a potential partner. They set clear boundaries and are able to maintain them. If a situation is not favourable they know when to walk away from it, honoring their feelings and experiences.

As parents, they are gentle with their children, modeling behavior that is healthy, moderated and balanced. For example, if a child is having a tantrum, this parent will be patient with the child, hold them in their arms and console them until they are calm. They allow the child to express themselves without feeling threatened by it. They set reasonable expectations for their children which are achievable.

In work places, they are very understanding of their colleagues and they make very good leaders. They are team players and can also get work done on their own. They do not people please, but clearly set boundaries within which they operate.

How can I be more secure?

  • Identify your current attachment style. Awareness is always the first step on the road to healing.
  • Acknowledge the need for healing from any childhood traumas
  • Work hand in hand with a professional
  • Be open and honest in your communication
  • Set clear boundaries
  • Learn how to cope and self-regulate in the face of overwhelming emotions
  • Be present, as a parent,a friend or partner
  • Be truthful about your feelings and experiences
  • Remember, it has taken you years to develop your attachment style, it will take time to undo it- be gentle.
  • Find like minded people, either for friends or partners, that will help you develop a more secure attachment.

Photo credits: Google

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